When you become a parent, your partnership or marriage takes the biggest hit. Long gone are the lazy weekends where you watched endless episodes of Law & Order SVU, ordered takeout, and napped after sex. That is what my husband and I used to do pre-parenthood. What did you enjoy doing with your partner pre-parenthood? Now there is always the threat of children interrupting sex, naps are unheard of, and weekends consist of endless domestic labor and entertaining the kids. My husband and I are lucky if we have a date night on a quarterly basis. We are trying to start scheduling them monthly now because they are much needed!
Parenting can take a toll on even the healthiest of relationships. It’s easier to focus on the kids than it is to bring up challenging topics with your partner. If you bring up a challenging topic, you may be talking over kid noise and barely able to concentrate. Or the kids are finally asleep and the last thing you want to do is speak about challenging things.
WHEN CAN YOU EVER TALK TO YOUR PARTNER NOW THAT YOU HAVE KIDS?!?!
I often hear from couples that I work with who have children that our therapy sessions are the only time they are able to talk about things. Even when the sessions get hard, they still prioritize the time because they see it as invaluable for communicating with one another. You might be wondering how a couple with children can fit therapy into their busy schedules. First off, it’s important to schedule sessions during times when the kids are occupied to minimize disruptions.
Here are four ways that couples therapy can be successful when you are busy parents.:
Find a time that is convenient for both of your schedules. Before work or lunch breaks seem to be ideal because the kids are at daycare/school and you can take a break from work to focus on the relationship.
See therapy as a safe place to work on roles, responsibilities, and better understanding needs. It is common for one partner to feel like they are doing everything and for there to be resentment building up. That almost always has an impact on sex and intimacy. Sex and intimacy can feel like less of a priority for one partner. It is a basic need for us all and worthwhile to explore now that life has become more demanding. Exploring individual needs, differences, and ways to increase intimacy strengthen the relationship and understanding of one another.
Take on the perspective that by prioritizing your relationship with your partner, you are going to be a better version of yourself for your kids. If you are feeling happy and secure with your partner and feel like you are both on the same page, you will be a better parent for your kids.
Be prepared to talk about extended family. In-laws often come up in sessions because it can be hard to navigate those extended family relationships after creating a family of your own. It is so important to make sure that you are both on the same page about navigating challenges that come up with extended family.
Intimate relationships are never going to be perfect and they require upkeep. I often hear from couples that now have children that they barely fought or that there wasn’t much conflict between them before having kids. Adding the responsibility of taking care of children in your relationship is forever going to change it. It doesn’t have to change it for the worse though. I see so many strengths and so much growth from the couples I work with that have children. Having children requires couples to communicate more clearly and directly, not just about tasks, but also about needs.
The couples I work with that have children that are most successful display the following characteristics:
Respect
Empathy
Curiosity
Respect is at the foundation of any healthy relationship. It is about trusting your partner’s judgement and approach. It may be very different from yours but because you have the same values in raising a family together, you trust them. In turn, you show them respect.
Empathy is feeling for the partner and their experience. I have worked with couples where one partner does not give much attention or feedback to the other when they come to them for emotional support. That leaves the partner who was seeking support feeling defeated and unsupported emotionally. Understanding your partners needs and showing empathy creates a connection that strengthens the relationship.
Curiosity is wanting to understand. It is the quest for knowledge. We have so much to be curious about when it comes to our partners. They had a whole life before meeting us and they continue to live a life separate from us each day. Asking questions and trying to understand things better from their perspective, especially when you have been together for some time, is so important. Don’t make assumptions! You may know your partner very well but there is always room to learn more. That’s what makes relationships so interesting!
By displaying those three qualities with one another, there is mutual understanding. You get each other. But there is always more to understand. Continuing to be present and there for one another, especially when kids enter the mix, is so important.
My husband and I try to sit down together on the couch after the kids are asleep most nights during the week. Sometimes we do this for 5 minutes and other times it’s for 3 hours. A small moment to connect is better than no moment to connect. We don’t have a TV on and we aren’t scrolling on our devices separate but together. We talk about our days and about our plans for the next day. We look at pictures of the kids even though we finally got away from the kids. Oh the irony, they are too irresistible! In a way it is a celebration of what we created together and what we are working on together. Parenting is such a hard job. When you are able to step away from the chaos with your partner and reflect on how amazing your kids are, it is a really special thing. It’s much easier to do that when your relationship is stable and strong and when you feel like you are on the same page about things. Couples therapy when you have children creates an intentional space for you and your partner to speak about challenging things that are coming up and assess one another’s needs. Our needs change when parenting is added in the mix.
Are you interested in starting couples therapy? Check out my therapy page or feel free to reach out with any comments or questions. I would love to hear from you.
About the Author
Vanessa Samson is a licensed marriage and family therapist that provides relationship and couples therapy online in New York and Illinois. She has spent over 10 years helping parents, individuals, and couples make sense of overwhelming life transitions so they can feel more grounded, connected, and confident in how they move through them. Vanessa specializes in relationship and couples therapy. She is known for her non-judgmental and authentic approach in her work with her clients.
